Is someone I know being abused?
Noticing that something isn’t right is often the first thing that helps a man in an abusive relationship. This is because the man who is in abusive relationship probably doesn't know he is. Whatever is happening behind closed doors is his new normal.
You don’t need to be certain, and you don’t need to fix everything. This is about spotting the signs, starting a conversation, and simply being there.
Signs to look out for
He’s withdrawn
He stops attending social events, ignores phone calls and texts. His partner may even cancel them on his behalf, sometimes without his knowledge.
Makes subtle complaints
He makes subtle complaints about his partner but dismisses them quickly. He may even blame himself for the issue.
He’s tense around them
Watch how he is around their partner. He may be cautious and look at them for validation before or after speaking.
He makes excuses
He explains away put-downs, cancelled plans, or the way he’s treated, either as his fault or just normal relationship issues.
His confidence has drained
He seems smaller and more unsure of himself than he used to be. He may also look exhausted, even during the day.
Something just feels off
You can’t quite name it, but you’ve noticed a change in his appearance, demenour, or general attitude towards life. Trust that.
Starting the conversation
Pick a private, calm moment when his partner isn’t around. Lead with care rather than accusation, keep it about him, and let him set the pace. Conversations can be different, especially if there are children involved. He won't want to leave them, and he may still be in love with his abuser and may see the conversation as an 'outsider' trying to break the relationship up.
Try
- “I’ve noticed you seem down lately — how are things at home?”.
- Listen without judging or jumping to fix it.
- Try to keep the conversation on what is happening, even if he keeps brushing it off.
- Keep showing up and reaching out.
- If you spot the signs and you are concerned, do not be afraid to raise the issue. Be gentle and ensure he knows you're on his side, whatever he decides.
Avoid
- Criticising or attacking his partner. It can push him away.
- Pressuring him to leave before he’s ready.
- Making him feel judged or foolish for staying.
- Sharing what he tells you without his agrement.
- Quickly jumping to judgements, such as "I ask because I think you are being abused.".
How to support him
Be patient. Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely simple and can be the most dangerous moment, so it often takes time — that isn’t you failing, or him. Help him see that he has options without deciding for him, point him toward specialist support that understands men’s experiences, and keep reminding him, gently, that none of this is his fault. The choice stays his; your steadiness is what he can lean on.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone through this is heavy, and you’re allowed to find it hard. You don’t have to carry it alone or have all the answers. The same helplines can advise you, as the person standing alongside him.