Am I being abused?
You are on this page for a reason. You've asked yourself that question and it's worth holding onto. You may not believe it - after all, you're doing everything you can to please your partner and you think you're giving them everything they're asking for, and yet it is still not enough.
Are your needs being met? Are you constantly exhausted? Do you feel that you are being criticised regularly? Have you found yourself paying for all of the essential household bills when you used to share that with your partner?
Are you having angry outbursts? Are you losing your temper more than usual? Have you felt like getting violent, or have already got violent towards your family?
You are likely being pushed to your limits because you are being abused. Stick with this - keep reading.
Signs it might be happening to you
Here are some things you can do right now to protect yourself now and in the future.
Nothing is ever enough
Constant criticism that never lets up, no matter how hard you try.
You’re being controlled
Your money, your movements, or who you see are decided for you.
You feel afraid at home
Threats, intimidation, or walking on eggshells to keep the peace.
It’s always your fault
Somehow every problem comes back around to being blamed on you.
You’ve become isolated
Slowly cut off from the friends and family who used to have your back.
You doubt yourself
You’ve started to wonder if you’re the problem, or if it’s all in your head.
Does any of this sound familiar?
The relationship started like a partnership
You shared the responsibilities together. You shared the finances, the parenting, maintenance of the property, adult life problems were addressed as a team while you had autonomy over your life. You're showered with praise and gifts...
The relationship became one way
...but over time, more responsibility was put onto you. You've found yourself paying for all of the essential bills. You're doing all of the bedtimes. You're doing the maintenance by yourself. You've dropped everything to please your partner. You ask for help, but told to 'be more of a man' and 'take responsibility'.
Everything becomes your fault
Somehow every problem gets turned around and blamed on you. If there is a problem or an issue, it's your fault. You are constantly apologising while you can't remember the last time you heard your partner take accountability.
Nothing is ever enough
However hard you try, you’re criticised, corrected, or put down. You're not cleaning the right way or not enough. You're DIY doesn't meet an expected standard. You're not parenting in the correct way. You're not earning enough money. You can't pursue hobbies or ambitions without your partners approval.
You don't see or speak to friends or family
You stop feeling that are able to see your friends and family without fear of being questioned or criticised. You fear telling your partner that you called your parents to see how they are, or asking if you can go out and see a friend.
Your life isn’t your own
Your life is now fully dedicated to making sure your partner doesn't explode with anger, shouting or criticism. You have dropped all of your boundaries, given up on who you are as a person you want to be, to be the person they want you to be.
You feel on edge at home
Your partner has threatened or intimidated you, but have previously dismissed it in the hope that everything will get better. There’s tension and you brace for it. You're now walking on eggshells waiting for the next argument to happen. You lose your temper easily out of fear of how your partner is going to react.
You doubt yourself
You are accused of 'gaslighting' your partner when they accuse you of something and you deny it, while being thrown accusations that are baseless. You are being accused of cheating when you are not. You are now feeling you are worthless and incapable, and your self esteem and confidence is at an all time low.
You don’t need to recognise every one. If even some of this feels familiar, it’s worth talking to someone.
It’s not your fault, and it’s not weakness
Being abused says nothing about how strong you are or what kind of man you are. Abuse works by making you feel responsible for it and alone in it. That is how abusers work. Recognising what’s happening is the opposite of weakness. It’s the first thing that starts to loosen its grip.
Abusive partners use manipulation to their advantage to get what they want at whatever cost - your bank account, your time and your money. They will break your boundaries until you submit. They have already mastered what your triggers are and what buttons to push to make you react in the ways they want you to. You are trying to keep your cool but eventually something gives. You will keep getting pushed - the reaction is what they will use against you. You've kept your cool for long enough. You've tried reasoning, sitting quietly while being shouted at, arguing back to stand your ground.
How you have reacted to the abuse is not your fault. It's human. We are all human and we all have a limit.
You may feel a lot of remorse over your actions, especially if the relationship has turned violent. Violence is never the answer. Own your actions, recognise what lead you there, and use the experience to rebuild yourself.
What you can do right now
Here are some things you can do right now to protect yourself now and in the future.
Keep a diary
Write a diary of events. Log them against the days that an event occurs. Keep this diary secret or if safe to do so, on your phone.
Talk to someone
You may not even realise you're being abused. Talk to a family member or friend to listen to you. Family and friends won't want to get involved in your relationship, but may already see the signs it's happening.
Don't entertain the drama
The more you entertain the drama, the more you will become submissive to your partners wants and needs. Do not react, even if it means being intimidated, shouted at or threatened.
Don't use violence
Violence occurs when your threat system is on high alert and it is easy to resort to. Remove yourself from the situation as soon as can, even if it means being intimidated, shouted at or threatened.
Leave the house
Easier said than done, but sometimes this is your only resort. This becomes more difficult when there are children involved. But no one should be suffering from abuse.
No is a complete sentence
You can say no. It is OK to say no. It is OK to say no and not explain. If you are met with threats, intimidation or being shouted at when you say no, that is OK.
What you can do next
You don’t have to make any big decision today, and you don’t have to label anything before you’re ready. Small steps are enough: talk it through with someone confidential who understands, keep a private note of things that happen, and start thinking about your own safety.
Do not dismiss any violence towards you or towards your partner as something that will get better on it's own. Seek immediate help. Violence only leads to more violence, and if you become violent, that will only end up worse for you.
Leaving is difficult, especially if there are children involved. Leaving is especially difficult if your partner has already instilled guilt-tripping into your conscious for leaving the house just to see friends or family or go to the shops. But if you've got to the point where you cannot cope, it is necessary. Don't feel guilty for wanting to stay at a friends or families house for an evening.