Do you often hear any of these from your partner?
If you answered yes, it could be a sign that you’re experiencing abuse.
If you're:
being constantly put down,
constantly being criticised,
being guilt tripped into doing things against your will,
having your life dictated to you - what you want to do with your life, who you can see and where you can go,
losing or have lost the courage to say 'no' in order to 'keep the peace',
being falsely accused with allegations you know are not true,
being or have been threatened or feeling intimidated,
It could be abuse.
What is abuse?
Abuse is a tactic to assert domination, gain power or control over another
In any relationship, there will always be conflict, differences in opinion and arguments. Depending on the volatility of the relationship, these arguments can become frightening to witness or be in close proximity to. Relationship conflicts of this nature can be resolved.
Abuse is different to normal relationship conflicts. Abuse occurs when one partner in an intimate relationship seeks to dominate, gain power or control over the other partner. Normal relationship conflicts can't be resolved in an abusive relationship because the relationship has become one way. You no longer can disagree because you're made to feel that your needs, opinions and thoughts no longer matter.
Abuse can take different forms
Abuse isn't always physical - and mental abuse is just as damaging, of not more.
Emotional
Sometimes referred to as psychological, emotional abuse is the practice of belittling, constant criticism and being made to feel worthless. It can also involve 'gaslighting', the practice of creating an alternative reality to make the victim second guess their version of events. An abuser typically spots their victims vulnerabilities early and exploits them when they need to.
Coercive Control
Coercive control is a form of abuse that restricts the autonomy and independance of the victim. A victim can experience intimidation and threatening behaviour to make them do what their abuser wants them to do to ensure the abuser gets what they want from them. This can be from what they wear and how they look, to controlling their daily schedule, where they are and who they see.
Financial
FInancial abuse is where the victim loses their ability to have full control over their finances. A victim will be pressured into making financial decisions against their will, have debt racked up in their name, lose freedom of their finances and even have money taken away or restricted.
Physical
Physical abuse is where the victim will experience hitting, punching, kicking, have items thrown at them or feel threatened by the abuser.
Isolation
Isolation happens when the victim sees their support network get cut away from them. This normally happens over a gradual amount of time, and it's designed to restrict their ability to seek support from their loved ones.
Sexual
Sexual abuse occurs when a victim feels forced against their will to perform sexual acts on their abuser without their consent.
Abuse rarely appears suddenly
Abuse in an intimate relationship rarely starts off with anything dramatic. Over a period of time, a comment will be made here, a new rule made there, friends and family will get cut off until you are in an isolated bubble.
A victim will rarely spot it - an abuser would have already identified where boundaries can be broken, where the victims weaknesses lie and exploit them to their own needs.
The victims' 'new normal'
Soon, the world that the abuser has created for the victim becomes their new normal. The isolation from the outside world, the dictating of how to run their lives and how their day goes, the fear of threats, intimidation and getting things wrong is ever present. If a victim has never been in another long term relationship to compare to or struggle to put boundaries down to please their abuser, they become trapped without realising it, becoming submissive to their abuser.
It also means that they have no idea that they need help.
Abuse can happen to men
Despite social norms, abuse can happen to men.
Search for Domestic Abuse and you will see a lot of resources for women searching for safety. This is because abuse still happens towards women and that isn't right.
Society has progressively moved towards gender equality. You don't have to go too far back to see a world where the men were the workers and providers and the women were the housekeepers and child carers. We no longer live in that world.
Women have greater power, opportunities and responsibilities in this world outside of being a housewife. Conversely, Men now have the ability to be more involved with what happens at home.
When it comes to Domestic Abuse, there is still a social norm that hasn't changed - that women are always the victims. But some women are just as aggressive as men - physically and emotionally. Some women control their husbands. Some women feel empowered but still want the men to provide as and when it suits them, with no say from the man.
Abusive women know where society stands and will use this when it suits them most. This makes male victims even more vulnerable. Men try to appease their abusive partners to meet their needs and expectations, to the point where they cannot cope. And when they are unable to cope, they have nowhere to turn or ask for help. The problem get's worse when they ask for help from their abusive partner, but it is refused, only to be told to be "more of a man", and "deal with it". They are expected to "suck it up". There's only so much sucking up they can do before the stresss bucket tips, and then it escalates.